January 2000
Are you having trouble up matches at the local public or private courts? Do you stand around all afternoon like a wallflower waiting for someone to walk up and ask you to play? If so, it’s probably because you have not figured out how to play the role of the "tennis buff." You’re not cool enough.
First of all, consider your apparel. Nobody -– I mean nobody – will
walk up to you if you’re wearing a pair of plaid Bermuda shorts and high
top black basketball shoes. Get with it! You must invest in some tennis togs.
Remember though, white is out and color is in. Go for something heavy, like
navy blue shorts and yellow shirt. Don’t forget to roll your socks down
and wear a pair of fancy leather shoes.
Now check out your equipment. Better throw away that racquet press or you’ll
spend your whole career beating your brains out against the backboard. Carry
two racquets, preferably titanium or hyper carbon, in a
racquet bag that carries the kitchen sink too. Carry it over your shoulder and
keep it within arms distance.
If you play it right, people will notice you as soon as you show up. Don’t
exchange their glances. Be cool. Just stand around and watch the match on court
#1 (it’s usually the best tennis). Someone will probably walk up and ask
to play.
If you haven’t been approached within five minutes, take your racquet
out of the bag and start fiddling with it. Be careful, – you must know
how to handle the racquet with respect. Hold it in your right hand at the throat
and move the strings around with your left hand. You see the pros do this, right?
It’s because the strings get out of place as they brush the ball with topspin.
Now hit the racquet face with the palm of your left hand. Put your ear next
to the racquet and listen for the ping of your gut (naturally) strings. You’re
checking the tension of the strings. If you’ve followed directions carefully,
you should have a match by now. Don’t blow your cool yet. If you do, your
new partner just might happen to notice that his match just showed up.
As you get to the court, lay your extra racquet against the net and quickly
open your can of balls. Accidentally drop one of the balls. After it stops bouncing
take your racquet and tap if hard, contacting it at the top of the frame with
the racquet at a 45-degree angle to the ground. Hit it hard once and pull the
racquet away. It should bounce up
to you. If you succeed – congratulations! This is the biggest psyche job
in the world. He’s apt to be impressed.
Now spin the racquet on the ground and simultaneously say, "M or W?"
If he picks "M" then casually glance at the butt of the racquet and
say, It’s "W…I’ll serve." (If the racquet doesn’t
have an "M" or a "W", do it
anyway. They’ll never question you.) Don’t let him warm up. If he
sees how bad you are, he’ll think of an
excuse not to play. Tell him you like to warm up slowly as you play. Once you
serve, he’ll have to finish at least one set. Otherwise, you win by default.
Stand as close to the center service mark as possible. (That’s the little
line in the middle of the long line at the end of the court.) Hold one ball
up for him to see (put the other one in your pocket.) This means that you are
ready to play. Do not play "first one in." That is definitely uncool.
Bounce the ball a few times. Now look across the net and dribble it a few more
times. Look again and bounce it down once more. (Don’t bounce it off your
foot!) Toss it up slowly and hit it…"Fault!" Whatever you think,
never question his call. Take the second ball out and go through the same bouncing
routine. Toss it up and try it again – "Double fault!" Oh well!